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Transparency

For a long time, I spilled words on to white pages from the very core of my soul. I would sit up at night and allow the words to fall from my thoughts on to a keyboard, to share with strangers I had never met. My shoulders would feel lighter, my mind clearer. I stopped, I stopped because motherhood clouded my mind, time and confidence. I fell out of love with sharing so much when I felt so, fragile.

Back in October I decided to take a break from all of my social media, because I was living a lie. I was portraying a woman that had everything together. When in reality, I was falling apart. I was walking around day to day with a feeling of being compressed in a metal vice. I had become withdrawn, angry, sad, lonely and pressured. Pressured to conform, to fit in with a crowd that I could not compete with. To keep up with others, others that don’t have my commitments. Being a mother is my number one priority, it is everything to me. I became side tracked, trying to impress people that I didn’t even know…when the only person I needed to impress was my daughter.

Tears pooled my eyes, air escaped my lungs, my body shaked, I felt sick to my stomach. But I told my Husband everything. He enfolded me like the broken person I was, making sure to scoop up every last piece. He glued me back together, made me see that I’m still amazing; Even with all of the cracks. The cracks are fading with each passing day. Which brings me to this post and being honest with you guys.

I tried to share how I was feeling via my Twitter, but I simply couldn’t express myself fully. It was all too raw and I felt hopeless. It really is difficult, being a creative. I have so many ideas and visions. I sit awake at night writing down my ideas, trawling through thousands of Pinterest images, reading food magazines until the pages are unrecognisable. But this online space can be so amazingly overwhelming, I also found that it can be incredibly lonely. Surrounding yourself with ‘friends’ that aren’t physical may be Ok for a little while, but eventually you see how lonely you truly are.

Becoming a mother changed my social dynamics, it took me away from work…my main source of interaction with real life humans. I was a confident, strong, talk a million miles an hour manager. I was good at what I did, people respected me, I earnt my own money, got to wear beautiful clothes, had lots of friends. It’s amazing how much reality shifts in a different direction. I think losing that made me put my energy in to an online world. I forgot the physical world I was in and the physical people in it.

But I’m starting to feel better, I’ve taken the time to reassess my priorities, to find what makes me happy again, I’ve found out who my true friends are, I’ve rediscovered the fire in my belly. I’m nearly Gem again and with her comes transparency. Since 2010 I’ve been as honest as I can with my online readers. I filled my blog with pictures that I thought would mask what I was really feeling. So from now on, I’ll be sharing a lot more words. I’ll be sharing the real me and you know what, I can’t bloody wait.