Gosh, there are times when I just want to scream. Do you ever feel like that? As if you could just walk to the top of a really big hill and scream for about 15 minutes. Then walk back home and you’d feel a little bit better, today is one of those days. In fact, this month is probably one of those months in all honesty. Forever feeling like I cant express myself because there are so many other people worse off, is some what claustrophobic. In a space where we are forever judged for ‘moaning too much’ or being ‘ungrateful for what we have’ or even simply being ‘negative’, it can get a little overwhelming. I just want to breathe out.
It’s been such a long time since I let my thoughts flow from my mind onto a keyboard, maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. Remove myself and my woes from social media and simply spill my guts here. In a world obsessed with Instagram, nobody will probably read it anyway. I can simply go on with my day and use this as a virtual scream release. Just like the good old days.
I remember when I used to sit up at 11pm with From Gem With Love and write until my hands hurt, letting every single thought from my mind spill out into the open world. I don’t know if I lost that ability, or if I simply took a step back from sharing. Either way, I find it so therapeutic writing my words and feelings down. I sometimes don’t even read them back, I just move on, feeling better. I don’t know when I suddenly became scared to write about how I was feeling online. The world is a scary place lately, but although my daily woes pale in comparison to to other people’s, I still feel the right to express them in my own little space.
I’ve found that sharing more of myself from an honest point of view has a very positive affect on people, which can only be a good thing. So here I am, sharing every word that comes into my brain. Drained, tired, nostalgic, failure, confused, conflicted, hungry, bored, stressed, broke and ungrateful. Are all of the words associated with the way I feel today. But it’s Ok, because tomorrow there will be a different list of words associated to my feelings. It’s Ok to feel, it’s definitely Ok to feel a bit shit. Just because other people are going through far worse, doesn’t mean you have to keep a positive demeanor 24/7.
People constantly say that we have to always project positivity if we are going to succeed as a ‘brand’. But when the ‘brand’ is you, how can you not express all of the sides and emotions of being human? How can you keep all of that in and just project sunshine all of the time? I can’t, it’s hard work. I know people that can and fair play to them I say, but I’d be extremely out of balance. So here I am, tipping the scales back, I feel better already.